What Hurts the Most
by The Sarcastic Polar Bear
Summary: What hurts the most was being so close. And having so much to say, and watching you walk away. And never knowing what could have been. And not seeing that loving you was what I was trying to do.
1. Prolouge

**A/N: New story. My original note was removed, so long story short: Paternity AU, El was driving, the wreck is serious. And obsessedwithstabler also did this, and we did it together, and are not stealing. Hers is You'll Be In My Heart, so check it out. Title of mine is from What Hurts The Most, owned by Rascal Flatts. I own nothing.**

Fear pooled in Olivia Benson's stomach as she sat in that hospital waiting room. No, this wasn't happening...

While it seemed like a cold, dark nightmare, it seemed so real. And there was nothing she could do about it.

"El," she whispered. "You can't die on me. Your son needs you." She looked down at the sleeping infant in her arms and felt another wave of tears spring to her eyes. This little boy was going to grow up without a mother, and people were telling her that he wasn't going to know his father. She tried so hard not to believe it, but a surge of doubt threatened to consume her.

He was so pale and felt so cold under her hand. Elliot had always seemed larger than life, but he looked tiny and vulnerable as he lay in the hospital bed. A single tear found its way down her cheek.

She shuddered. "I can't lose you, El. You know that, right?" She choked on a sob, and her eyes slid shut against the burning sea of tears.

The infant whimpered in his sleep, and she cradled him against her chest."Shh," she soothed, rubbing tiny circles on the newborn's back.

She rested her free hand over Elliot's. "I love you, El. I hope you can hear me. Your kids need you, they just lost their mother. _I_ need you." She dropped a gentle kiss on his forehead.

She was about to give up whatever hope she had when she felt his hand stir ever so slightly under hers. But to her, that movement- that one tiny action- was like some miracle.

"El?" she asked quietly. "El, honey, wake up," she coaxed. His eyelids fluttered the tiniest bit, and she sent a silent prayer to heaven that everything was going to be alright.

Finally his blue irises appeared. He opened his mouth to speak, but only a raspy breath escaped. Olivia let go of his hand to grab the glass of water by the nightstand.

"Here," she said gently. "Take a drink." She poked the straw between his lips and allowed him to take a long sip of the cold water.

"Liv," he croaked.

Olivia nodded and gently rested her hand on his forehead. "Yeah, it's me." She tenderly smoothed his hair back.

"K-Kathy?" he asked. Olivia shook her head faintly.

"No," she whispered. "I'm afraid not." Elliot's eyes fell upon his newborn son. Olivia gently passed the baby to him.

Elliot stared down at him and tenderly touched the infant's pink cheek. Moving hurt so much, but he wanted to hold his son.

"Did you ever pick a name?" Olivia whispered. Elliot shook his head.

"Kathy never made up her mind." His voice was so faint and scratchy that Olivia had to lean in to hear him. He looked up at Olivia. "What would you-" He abruptly stopped speaking as somebody knocked on the door.

"El, your kids are here," Olivia whispered, letting them in. She could tell that they had been crying, and the girls began to cry upon seeing their father hooked up to several machines. Dickie bit his lip, fighting back his tears.

All of them gently embraced their father, crying softly. "Shh," Elliot murmured, feeling tears burn his eyes. "It's alright." He hugged them as well as he could without dropping the baby or injuring himself further.

"Daddy," Maureen murmured, clinging to her father. She had always been Elliot's little girl. Elliot gently stroked her hair.

His vision suddenly began to swarm, and he closed his eyes as his head started to throb. Olivia sat straighter as the kids pulled away, terrified.

"El?" Olivia stood up. "You okay?" She reached for the button to call a nurse, but he shook his head in protest.

"Just a- a headache." His voice was growing fainter. He weakly fell against the pillows as Olivia plucked the sleeping infant out of his arms.

"What's happening?" Lizzie whimpered, clinging to Olivia's arm with one hand, Elliot's hand with the other.

A nurse hurried in and forced the children out of the room, and Olivia's heart shattered at the sound of their sobbing.

Olivia had seen him in the hospital before, but this time was so much different. He was bruised all over and covered in cuts and bandages. His skin was as pale as the white sheets he lay on.

"El?" she whispered again. Elliot could feel unconsciousness beginning to enclose him. But something told him that if he closed his eyes, it would all be over. He couldn't bear the thought of doing that to his children- to Olivia.

"Liv," he murmured. Speaking was becoming harder. "I- I love you." Olivia's breath caught in her throat.

"Shh," she soothed. "I love you too, El." Tears threatened to escape her eyes.

"Make sure my kids..." His voice trailed off. "Are taken care of." Olivia blinked against her field of tears. He was so selfless.

"I will," she mumbled, stroking his hair. "But you don't know, El. You can get through this." But deep down, she knew that his chances were slim. The doctors had told her countless times that he was critical.

His eyelids grew heavier, and he could feel himself slipping away as he slipped his fingers into Olivia's hand.

Everything else seemed to disappear. Neither one of them noticed the handful of doctors or heard the beeping of the monitors... everything seemed to go black and white.

All that mattered right now was the two of them, and the infant so close to them. Olivia's eyes slid shut as she slipped into bed next to him and pulled him against her, cradling both of them close to her body. It felt like time stopped as Elliot Stabler, her partner and best friend, her rock, slipped away.

She was unable to tear herself away from his bedside. It was all over. He was gone. And there was nothing she could do to bring him back.

EO-EO-EO

Piano music filled the air as people filed into the funeral home. Olivia stood before his casket, cradling the baby to her chest.

His badge and gun were added to the mahogany casket. Olivia choked back on a sob as she dropped a kiss to his forehead. "I love you so much," she murmured.

Not a single eye was dry. Olivia felt Elizabeth and Maureen leaning on either side of her. Her heart broke for the five children who had lost both parents.

She took in all of the flowers and the photographs. He looked so happy in all of them. Some she had never seen, while some she had copies of on her own mantle.

Tears flooded her eyes, but refused to fall. She didn't want to cry in front of everybody. The last thing she wanted was for everybody to worry about_ her_.

Rain fell from the grey sky as both caskets were buried beneath a shady oak tree. Tears streamed down her cheeks, mixing with the pouring rain. _I need you, _she thought. _I never thought I would lose you._

The rain fell harder that night as she lay on her sofa, the baby sleeping on her chest as she gently stroked his hair. "You look so much like your daddy," she murmured. "And I hate that you're not going to remember him or your mom. But you've got me. I just hope I'm half as good of a parent as they were."

He let out a tiny whimper, and she soothed him by rubbing his small back. "They never really had a name chosen, little guy. I guess that's up to me, huh?" She didn't even need to think.

"Welcome to the world, Elliot," she whispered. "Once you're old enough, I'll tell you about your daddy. He didn't want to leave you or your brother or sisters. He loved you very much. So did I." She snuggled him closer. "I'm new to this, buddy, so I may never be like your father or your mother."

She dropped a tender kiss to his head. "And I love you," she added softly.

EO-EO-EO

Sunlight spilled into her window early in the morning. A tiny cry caused her to stir. Her eyes fluttered open, and she sat up, careful not to drop Eli.

"Hey, buddy," she whispered. "Are you hungry?" She stood up. "I'll see what I have." She grabbed a bottle of formula, which she had purchased last night, and warmed it up as she rocked him in her arms. "I guess I need to get you a crib, huh? You're not gonna want to spend your life curled up on a couch, will you?"

She gently stuck the bottle nipple between his lips. "There you go," she cooed, swaying back and forth as he chugged the milk down. "Wow, you're a hungry little one." She placed him against her chest and began to burp him.

She then reached into the diaper bag and spread a changing cloth on the sofa. "Let's see what you've done down here." She changed his diaper and continued to rock him. "Later, I'm gonna go check on your siblings and get you some stuff."

Her heart felt heavy as she trudged through the day. She stopped by the precinct, which seemed much colder, his desk so bare. She shuddered. "This is where your daddy sat. We spent a lot of time here. We'd toss paper balls at each other when we got bored and make fun of Munch's coffee." She smiled sadly as she picked up a framed photo.

"And that," she said. "Is your daddy. You look just like him." She returned to her car and buckled him into the car seat.

She stopped by the grocery store and gathered up some diapers, baby formula, and some clothes. She couldn't take her eyes off of a pale blue onesie reading, _Daddy's Little Man. _

She let out a shaky sigh before adding it to the cart. "You're always gonna be your daddy's little boy. Nothing will change that."

Eli kicked a tiny foot and clenched a small fist in response, his mouth opening as his pacifier fell out. Olivia returned it to his mouth, and he gave it a firm, contented suck.

"You're gonna break that, El, if you keep sucking it like that." She added a few baby toys to her cart. An older woman smiled at her.

"First time?" she asked. Olivia nodded slightly and adjusted the buckle on Eli's carrier. "You're going to do a fine job, your baby boy seems to love you."

Olivia didn't bother to correct the lady as she walked away. "I better get you some more socks, sweetie. Those feet are gonna get cold, huh?"

She grabbed a couple packages of the smallest socks she had ever seen, along with some bibs. "Goodness, you're gonna run my credit card up," she joked, trying to laugh. "I'm gonna get your crib today, too. I'm probably not that cozy, am I?"

Eli stared up at her, almost as if he disagreed. Olivia's eyes widened slightly as she was given a price, but she really didn't mind. She strapped Eli in and loaded her bags into the backseat.

"Okay, buddy, ready to see your siblings again?" she cooed, driving toward the Stabler residence. Elliot's car was gone, and she sighed as she carried Eli into the house.

She was saddened even more as a frazzled looking Maureen practically threw herself into the brunette's arms. "Olivia, I don't know what to do!"

"Shh, it's okay," Olivia murmured, knowing that is was anything but okay. Maureen shook her blonde head.

"Dickie won't even come out of his room, Lizzie's always crying, and Kathleen won't talk to me." Maureen finally let go of Olivia.

"They're just upset, and I know you are too," Olivia soothed. "And so am I." She had no sooner shifted Eli to her other arm when a teary eyed Lizzie threw her arms around her.

"I miss them," the teenager sobbed. Olivia wrapped her arm around Elliot's youngest daughter.

"I know, I know," she whispered. "I know you do, honey." Lizzie sniffled before pulling away, looking up at Olivia.

"Olivia? Can you stay? Just for tonight?" Maureen asked hesitantly. Olivia nodded softly.

"I'll stay." She placed Eli in his crib. "Have you kids eaten dinner yet?" Maureen shook her head. Olivia checked to make sure that Eli was safely asleep before tiptoeing out, the girls following her closely.

Olivia opened the cabinets, finding only a few boxes of noodles. "I guess I'll fix some pasta. But I'm warning you, I'm not much of a cook."

She prepared five plates, taking the smallest for herself. "Olivia, you should eat more," Maureen pleaded. Olivia shook her head.

"I already ate," she lied. She stood up as she heard Eli crying. She hurried into the nursery and scooped him up. "Hey, little boy," she cooed, scooping him up. "You need changed, don't you?" She quickly slipped him into a fresh diaper and carried him into the kitchen.

None of the kids had touched their food. "You guys need to eat," she coaxed gently. "You need to stay healthy."

Maureen let out a sigh, but obediently began to eat. Her younger siblings followed suit, and Olivia ate her small share.

She smiled reassuringly. "There you go." Dinner was relatively quiet, with only a small amount of talk. Eli had fallen asleep against her shoulder, and she stood to take him to his crib, but he whimpered and curled his hands into tiny fists.

"You should go on to bed," she whispered, facing the older four. "I'll sleep on the couch."

"I'll take it," Dickie offered. Olivia smiled sadly. She could see so much of Elliot's independence in all five of them.

"No, honey, you sleep in your bed. I'll sleep on the couch with Eli." She changed Eli into a pair of pale blue pajamas and sat on the sofa.

"Can you stay up? It's just so hard to sleep," Lizzie begged, sitting next to her. Olivia understood completely, having received little sleep since Elliot's death.

She nodded. "You guys can put on a movie or something." None of them really tried to pay attention to the movie flashing across the screen. They simply sat in silence.

By the time the film was over, Olivia was the only one awake. Eli still lay asleep on her chest, and Lizzie lay with her head in Olivia's lap.

She missed Elliot so much. Her bottled up emotions threatened to explode out of her at any time, but she was going to try to stay strong for his children.


	2. Being So Close

**A/N: New chapter! Woot! LOL. I love you guys for reviewing. Hehehe.**

Olivia prepared a bottle for Eli. "Here you go, sweetie," she murmured, rocking him. "Don't cry now, let your siblings sleep for a few minutes."

Eli tightly curled his little fist around her finger. Olivia smiled softly. "I'm gonna need my finger, Eli. You can't keep it, baby."

He tightened his grip, as if her finger were a lifeline. "I guess you wanna keep it, huh?" She reached into the cupboard and grabbed a bowl. "I'm gonna make some pancakes, so you can sit here." She placed him the the carrier.

He stared at her as she poured several ingredients into the bowl. "Let's just hope I don't burn anything," she muttered. "They probably haven't eaten much since..." She trailed off.

"Hi." She heard a soft voice from the doorway. She turned around.

"Good morning, Maureen." She flipped the pancakes onto a plate and set it on the table. "Help yourself."

She placed more plates around the table and sat down, holding Eli, who stared in awe at the stack of pancakes. "Sorry, buddy, you're a bit little for them."

Soon the other kids joined, all of them picking at their food. "Guys, you really should eat. You need to stay healthy. I'm sure your parents wouldn't want you to get sick," she said as gently as possible. Slowly, they all began to eat. "That's good," she praised.

"Olivia? Do we have to go to school?" Dickie asked, looking directly at her for the first time since the funeral.

"No, honey. I've already talked to the principal, and you guys get a few days off." Olivia piled the dirty dishes into the sink as the twins and Kathleen sighed in relief before going upstairs.

"I'll do the dishes," Maureen offered. Olivia shook her head.

"No, I'll do it. You've done a lot of work the past two days." Olivia rinsed water over the plates and piled them into the dishwasher. As soon as she was finished, Eli stirred in his carrier. She scooped him up before he had the chance to cry. "Shh," she murmured.

"You're good with him- all of them," Maureen said softly. Olivia wrapped her arm around her shoulders.

"I know things are hard right now. But it takes time for things to get better."

"Will things ever be perfect again?" Maureen asked. Olivia felt tears sting her eyes.

"I don't know, Maureen. Things will get better, but I don't know if they'll ever be perfect again." Olivia missed him so much, he was a piece of her. For nine years, he'd been her partner, her rock and shield. They gave each other stability.

She couldn't even imagine how his kids felt. She couldn't help but feel selfish for feeling like crawling into a cave and never facing the world again when they had lost both parents.

"I just wish that Eli could have gotten to know them," Maureen sighed. "I got to be Daddy's little girl for twenty three years."

"You still are," Olivia whispered. "Both your dad and your mom still love all five of you very much. I know they do." She hugged the younger woman tightly before pulling away.

"Thanks, Olivia." Maureen wiped at her eyes, and Olivia found herself doing the same. "Olivia? Do you think you could come by on some days? Just to-" Olivia cut her off.

"Of course. Just call me anytime you want me to come over. I can help you with the kids, or dinner, or just to talk. Okay?" Maureen nodded and disappeared upstairs before Olivia buckled Eli into his carrier.

"Come on, Eli, let's go." She gently ran her hand over his soft hair and carried the seat to her car. "You ready to go home?"

For some reason, no place felt like home without Elliot.

EOEOEO

"Now you're nice and clean," Olivia cooed as she lifted Eli out of the baby tub she had purchased for her own bathtub. She slipped him into a pair of pajamas and sat down on the sofa to rock him. "I'll finish putting your furniture together tomorrow. You didn't seem to have any plans on me leaving your sight, did you?"

Eli let out a tiny yawn as Olivia gently swayed back and forth. She began to hum softly. "Go to sleep, sweetheart," she murmured. She pulled the soft blue blanket around his tiny body.

He curled his fingers around her thumb and sucked on his pacifier. Olivia continued to rock him back and forth and hum until his eyes slipped shut. She gently placed him in his crib and kissed him on the forehead. "Sleep tight."

Suddenly exhausted, she yawned heavily and shuffled into her kitchen and opened her fridge. A bottle of wine stood on the top shelf, and she chided herself as she started to reach for it.

_No, _she thought. _I can't drink it all away. _She couldn't become her mother... she couldn't do that to Eli. She could deal with this. But Elliot wasn't there to catch her if she fell down a dark hole. She grabbed a bottle of water and shut the refrigerator door.

After a hot shower, she changed into her pajamas and checked on Eli one more time before laying down on the sofa. She pulled the thin blanket over her body and tried to get comfortable.

She shuddered, not so much as from the cold, but from exhaustion and misery. She had always had trouble catching a peaceful rest, but these past few nights had been the worst, because despite how hard she tried not to believe it, she would never wake up and see Elliot. Merely being in his presence had always soothed her, even if they were deep in an argument.

Now all she had was a few photos and her memories. Both happy ones and sad ones. Some from years ago still gave her nightmares.

And no matter what, she was never going to let go of those memories.

**A/N: Sorry for the wait and the shortness... can you be all awesome-like and review?**


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